saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
