I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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