And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
