Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
