Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
