genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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