I CAN MOONWALK!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
