I could make wine with my vomit
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
