her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
