i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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