i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
im on a boat
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