I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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