I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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