Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found your dick twin last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
