Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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