I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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