I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize