Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
