my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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