i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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