something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
