i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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