i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize