if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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