I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize