Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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