I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
