When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
