bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
