i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize