Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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