she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
