hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i think i have two assholes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
