I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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