Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Holy sore nipples Batman
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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