I puked a lego.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
