I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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