Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
