If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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