i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
