tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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