I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize