Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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