Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
