I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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