apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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