he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
