remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
