I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
