I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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