Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
