Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You're like the curious george of whores
We left an ass print on the piano.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
