The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
