STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
