You just made me feel so damn special
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
