I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
