i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
