he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
