The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
