I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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