I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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