Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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