I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
