Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
