Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
