there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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