he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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