The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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