Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He? As in you personified your dick?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
