The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
whose parrot is this?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
