If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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